Tuesday, June 14, 2011


Have you ever been given trick candles on your birthday cake? I haven't, but I imagine they would be really annoying.

Due to a paperwork mix-up, I have a bit of free time before my summer research job begins, and I'm trying to use it productively by seriously cleaning my room and closets. This is totally necessary as I have built up a LOT of junk over the years - in fact, I bet I could find at least one doctor who would diagnose me with OCHD, obsessive compulsive hoarder disorder.

Just kidding, here's a video about real hoarders - my room isn't this bad YET:

What's the connection there? My messy room is one giant trick candle.

Let me explain. I packed up my room in Newark into garbage bags, came home to my parents' house, and dumped them on the floor of my bedroom, making it nearly impossible to even guess what color my carpeting is. But I slowly went through everything and put it all away, finally feeling like my room was clean again.

But then I remembered the suitcases I had left downstairs - so I brought those up and unpacked them, once again filling my room with a seemingly unmanageable amount of stuff. Finally I was able to clean all that up and heave a sigh of relief - until I was reminded of all the bags of things I had left in my mom's car trunk.

Now, over a week since I've been home, everything from Newark is finally unpacked, cleaned, and put away (well, mostly - none of you can actually see my room right now, sooo we're just gonna say it's done).

Only now, I still need to go through my desk, nightstand, and two closets full of junk. We're not just talking clothing here - we're talking every stuffed animal, doll, and Barbie I've ever owned; my masterpiece paintings from when I was 10 years old; my mancala bead "collection;" old books; musical instruments - you name it, I probably have it somewhere in my closet.

a real-life example of what you might find lurking in my closet

As I take everything out and put it into piles of Throw Away, Donate, and Save for My Future Children (who better have the same interests as me or I'm in serious trouble), my room will once again become an explosive mess of crap (that line sounds a littttle too much like actual diarrhea, but I'm gonna keep it in anyway).

So how is my room like a trick candle? Because each time I think I'm finally done cleaning, more stuff appears out of NOWHERE to re-fill my room with things I need to clean (nowhere = family room, trunk of car, closets, etc).

In order to make getting rid of things slightly more bearable, I am taking pictures of it all (although I can't imagine anyone besides me EVER wanting to look at pictures of my old dolls - that would be weird, right?). But since I have the need to share way too much with the internet, you lucky readers get to see my absolute best pieces of artwork [note: if you call me before the trash is picked up today, I can sell you these paintings at $500,000 a pop - believe me, that's a bargain for my artistic mastery of the oil paint genre].

this, obviously, is a very large rooster in front of a sunrise

this black and white masterpiece is as yet unnamed
(the yellow smudge in the top corner is obviously there on purpose
as some type of postmodern statement on the futility of life)

and this fabulous rendering of Pocahontas is my own personal favorite

As you can tell by how not-crooked the paintings are in theses pictures, oil painting is not the only skill I have mastered - I am also an excellent photographer and graphic designer. If you would like to hire me for a bar-mitzvah, please email me at mdwalksintobar@gmail.com. There are plenty more paintings where these came from, don't hesitate to ask to see more.

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